I am Not Your Girlfriend Until You Ask!
I remember in the eighth grade when my first boyfriend Charlie Jones asked me to be his girlfriend. We were in his parents’ basement watching some dumb movie. We had held hands in science class and sat together at lunch, we baked brownies and smeared the batter on each others’ faces (as you can see in the above photo), but before that afternoon he was just this guy that I had a massive crush on, and I was pretty sure liked me a lot, too. I remember his shy smile as he asked nervously, “Will you be my girlfriend?”
The Situation
Fast-forward nine years: I am a grown woman with a job, bills, a dog, a degree, a condo; but a…boyfriend? Nope. I do have a man that I see and talk to every day. We spend most nights together, either at his place or mine. We’ve taken trips together. All of my friends know him, and his friends know me but am I his girlfriend? Is he my boyfriend? Who knows! And that’s because we’ve never had the conversation that would take us from pre-dating to a fully-fledged relationship.
What is “pre-dating”? It’s the time two people spend together before they enter a labeled relationship but after they establish that they’re more than just friends. It’s sort of like a trial run for the courtship. It’s a trend I see more and more and am currently experiencing myself. Couples are staying in the pre-dating phase of their relationship even though they both expect the benefits and consequences of an exclusive, “serious relationship.”
This dynamic may work for some people, and, honestly, I’m doing okay with my situation; however, some complications arise from maintaining the more nebulous kind of situation that pre-dating puts you in. Is it okay to flirt with that cute guy at the coffee shop? What if he gives me his number, is it wrong for me to text him? Jealousy is a factor even in established relationships, so attempting to make sense of that feeling presents an especially difficult challenge when in the pre-dating stage. Those kinds of boundaries can be tough to flesh out when you’re in a pre-dating relationship that seems like it should have already moved into the next phase.
Defining Expectations
Another problematic aspect of a pre-dating relationship is defining expectations. If you’re like me, you like to be in near constant communication with your significant other, but that can be tough when that relationship isn’t “official.” Things that you could communicate to an official boyfriend or girlfriend might make you feel like a nuisance in a pre-dating relationship.
So why do young people stay in this phase of the relationship if it’s thus anxiety-inducing? From personal experience, I would say that the fear of the next step can keep you from moving forward, even if you want to. I fear that the person I’m with isn’t on the same page as me emotionally and that he doesn’t want a “serious relationship,” even though, in all actuality, that is precisely what we are engaging in. But that shouldn’t keep me, or anyone else, from addressing my needs and taking proper emotional care of myself.
Know Your Worth
The number one thing to remember is that you deserve clarity in any relationship, whether it’s a casual or a serious one. You and your significant other deserve to have your needs heard, your boundaries respected, and your feelings validated. Don’t give away parts of yourself to people who don’t deserve them, who won’t appreciate them, and who can’t take care of them. Know your worth, and try to figure out what it is that you want.
Life is more complicated now than it was when I was fourteen, and Charlie Jones sheepishly asked if I would be his girlfriend. I have so much more freedom than I ever did back in middle school, and I am thankful for that freedom. But sometimes I can’t help but think back to a simpler time when a boy liked a girl, so he asked her to be his girlfriend.
