Can We Talk?

A discussion on commitment and communication in young male & female relationships

Let’s talk. Two words that will make any man panic.

For many young adults in between high school and college, communicating with the opposite sex tends to be the biggest barrier in relationships. Lack of emotional connection, failure to express one’s feelings, and fear of commitment are all things we complain about.

However, these issues and more boil down to one thing: too little communication. Then the question becomes: Is it just a coincidence? Is there actual truth behind these claims?

It is no secret that men and women behave and interpret the world differently. In an article titled “Bridging Our Differences,” Melvin Konner states that “men are less insistent on emotional intimacy as the foundation of a relationship—and less likely to talk about their feelings,” while women put more psychological investment into relationships. Konner further explains that since women have the responsibility of potentially carrying a child, they tend to crave intimacy more, leading them to desire partners that will help them build and nurture a family.

Although men may not talk about their feelings as much as they should, it does not mean they don’t care. A man just might take a longer time to invest into the relationship as much as women do from the start. A contributing factor in communication differences between young adult relationships is that commitment is not high on their priority list. Throughout college, the “hook-up” or casual sex culture is extremely prevalent. In high school it is plainly unrealistic to expect a long term with someone who has not even reached the legal drinking age yet.

In No Messages Needed-Just pats on the back, Dr. Sarah L. Trinh and Dr. Sophia Choukas-Bradley point out that both men and women did not favor postponing sex. The doctors ran a study testing 178 men and 135 women, examining the subjects’ messages with their respective sex. The results show that only two of the men talked about waiting to have sex, while only three women detailed postponing sex as well.

If we apply this statistic to the general youth population, it readily suggests that both parties identify with the “hook-up culture.” But is it fair to expect a serious relationship with the person you are intimately involved with, even though the premise of the relationship is simply casual sex that has no real emotional attachments? Not every college-aged man or woman is part of this dynamic, but one must seriously self-evaluate where one might be in his or her life.

Can you truly handle a genuine, long-term relationship at 16, 17, or even 22 years of age?

For some men, it is appealing to have multiple women than to devote time to develop a committed relationship. Trinh and Bradley mention that one of the reasons men refuse to commit is a fear of criticism for being overly romantic. The authors find that men constantly talk about sleeping with multiple women to impress their peers in order to confirm their manhood.

If men and women are to communicate effectively, real conversations need to be had about the deeper rooted issues and costs of commitment.

In 2019, is a man defined by the number of women he’s slept with? According to the authors, only 38 out of the 178 male conversations involved intimacy. In comparison, only 55 women talked about meaningful intimacy. What needs to be said between men and women is that commitment is simply not on anyone’s minds at their current ages.

Everyday we see viral tweets and posts with people describing how they want to be treated. Hashtags on pictures of celebrity couples -like “#RelationshipGoals”–can display a false sense of love that could mislead this generation. Maybe before jumping into the next relationship, people should speak up for themselves and express that they are not ready.

Let’s talk about it.